
Class 
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iO^ng 



a 



COPYRIGHT DEFCSm 



Digitized by the Internet Archive 
in 2011 with funding from 
The Library of Congress 



http://www.archive.org/details/colonelrockinghoOOappl 



Copyrighted 
by the author 

1919 




OPie^ -^ 



COI,ONKI< ROCKINGHORSK 



COLONEL ROGKINGHORSE 



Colonel J^ocfeingijors^ 




A Book of 
Paraphrases 

By William Edward 



HASTINGS & BAKER 

Publishers 
22 ThamEvS Street, New York 



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JUN 30iS!9 

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Chapters 



I One Day Out, in an Easterly 
Storm, I Met the Colonel. 

II The Colonel^s Racing Story. 

III Pharaoh's Gaming Table. 

IV An Entertainment on Shipboard. 

V The Colonel's Romantic Esca- 
pade. 

VI More About Colonel Rocking- 
horse. 

VII A Letter from a Visitor to our 
Planet. 

VIII An Awful Dream. 

IX A Premonition Come True. 

X The Inquest. 



Foreword 

The chapters which follow owe their exist- 
ence to no literary ambitions and the writer 
confesses to no pride of authorship. He has 
sought to picture with some accuracy a lov- 
able and unusual personality; to preserve in 
some manner a record of homely philosophy 
and good sense. If the good Colonel's frail- 
ties appear it is because he would himself 
have preferred to be painted as he was, for 
he held no man to be worth writing of who 
was not worth the truth. The purpose of 
these pages will be served if the reader finds 
beneath eccentricities and old-school manner 
the real Colonel — very human but very wise, 
a simple, kindly gentleman. 

W. E. 



CHAPTER I. 

One Day Out, in an Easterly Storm, I 
Met the Colonel. 

/^N MY first trip abroad, struggling 
^^ against seasickness and unable to keep 
footing on the deserted deck, more than half 
convinced that no ship could withstand the 
seas we were weathering, I sought refuge In 
the smoking room and found companionship 
and the beginning of a lifelong friendship. 

They welcomed me with the ready com- 
radeship of fellow travelers — Livingston, an 
Englishman whom I had seen about Wash- 
ington, Count Hirosaka, a Japanese, and 
Colonel Montelth Rockinghorse. I know 
him now for what I thought him then, a 
Southerner, dignified, virile, a gentleman 
through and through, and an Inveterate story- 
teller. His homely philosophy and his keen 
insight privileged his display of contempt for 
Insincerity and overshadowed all his faults. 

Livingston had noted my evident nervous- 
ness and reassured me. Our boat was the 



[7] 



One Day Out, I Met the Colonel 

staunchest In the service and he knew our 
Captain and placed entire confidence in him. 

At the mention of the word "confidence," 
the Colonel settled back in his chair. 

"Young men," said he, "with all due re- 
spect to the Captain, do not place too much 
confidence in mortal weaklings. I admit that 
confidence, when not abused, is a source of 
a great deal of satisfaction, and lack of con- 
fidence is the cause of much unpleasantness. 
Many men who are now behind iron bars 
would still be living a life of freedom, had 
not their employers placed confidence In them. 
You have only to read the daily papers. It 
is always the trusted employee that absconds. 

"It is the confidence that lovers place in 
each other which allows them to partake of 
the sweets before the wedding bells that are 
never to be sounded. Confidence Is so blind 

that it cannot distinguish between friend and 
foe, allowing human parasites to gain the true 
and earnest friendship of a^^ victim, then to 

insert their blood suckers, which are not with- 
drawn as long as there Is a drop left. 

[8] 




\9le.i^ — - 



THE COIvONBL WOULD TAKE A 
MUCH CHEAPER DRINK" 



One Day Out, I Met the Colonel 

*'We must realize that until the unity of 
man has been established we must be careful, 
as confidence Is such a glutton for punishment 
that it will stand wholesale abuse, wherever 
established, and I have also read In the book 
of Psalms that 'It is better to trust In the 
Lord than to put your confidence In man/ " 

The bugle sounded, and we rushed to our 
cabins to change for dinner, without giving 
the Colonel's words the least consideration. 
The cabin steward had unpacked my trunk, 
put my buttons In my shirt, and laid out my 
dinner jacket and trousers, nicely brushed and 
ready to be put on. In less than ten minutes 
I was dressed. 

Like all travellers taking their first ocean 
trip, my one great desire was to be at the 
Captain's table, and I was highly elated when 
I found myself among the fortunate ones. 
Socially, the Captain and his table were all 
that could be expected, and we were the envy 
of many; but for some reason or other, we 
made no impression on the custodian of the 
larder. I soon learned that the Captain of 



[9] 



One Day Out, I Met the Colonel 

the ship was Captain in name only, and that 
the real head was to be found In the person 
of the Chief Steward. 

Gosslpers are to be accosted in all walks of 
life, but the sea is their haven; here they come 
from all parts, and, if they should neglect you 
the first day, have no fear, they will not over- 
look you the next. 

The steamer had scarcely left its moorings 
when these scandalmongers began wagging 
their tongues. There was aboard a well- 
known steel magnate, Mr. G., accompanied 
by his family. Also aboard was a lady who 
had been seen in the company of Mr. G. 
ashore. This lady was so congenial and liberal 
she was soon looked upon by the young men 
of the boat as a benefactress. Paint became 
her face so well she was actually good look- 
ing, and though I had been told that constant 
handling will wear out solid iron, strange to 
say, she showed no ill effects from it. She 
saw to it that every escort led her past Mr. 
and Mrs. G., always having a witty remark 
ready, so as to afford her an opportunity of 
laughing in the face of Mrs. G. She never 
missed a chance, when in sight of Mr. G., to 

[10] 



One Day Out, I Met the Colonel 

make assiduous love to some young man, 
much to Mr. G.'s annoyance, though he tried 
his best to appear unconcerned. 

Upon seeing Mr. G. in the smoking room; 
in a lit of melancholy, the Colonel said : 
"Morality produces contentment and immor- 
ality discontentment. Show me a man who 
attempts a dual life and I shall show you an 
ass who has sought a burden heavier than he 
can bear, and as he staggers along beneath 
the ponderous double yoke, he will encounter 
difficulties and perplexities that will rack his 
brain and plague his heart, and finally, broken 
down in health and mind, collapse ignomin- 
iously in despair." 

Thus did the old gentleman ever point out 
to us the disadvantages of the wrong side of 
life, yet he was not so narrow minded that he 
objected to anyone enjoying life, which you 
will perceive as we go along. 



[11] 



CHAPTER II. 
The Colonel's Racing Story. 

T HAD intended spending quite a bit of my 
■*■ time in reading, but between deck games 
and frequent trips to the smoking room, I 
found little time for books. 

Our circle took active part in everything, 
deck golf and tennis, quoits, shuffle and buck- 
board, and, in the tournaments entered all 
events, whether proficient in them or not. 
Becoming overheated, we frequently retreated 
for cooling drinks. The bar man made the 
most delightful champagne cocktails; the 
price, two shillings, I thought quite reason- 
able. 

The Colonel would invariably take a much 
cheaper drink, at the same time taking some 
small silver from one pocket and putting it 
into another. I did not consider him stingy 
nor frugal, and growing inquisitive, I asked 
why he did it. Instead of taking offense at 
my rudeness he seemed rather pleased. He 
said every time he drank a bottle of expensive 



[12] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

wine, he could not help thinking how much 
good the money would do among some people 
he had seen in an unfortunate condition. 
Therefore, he now made a practice of drink- 
ing a very moderately priced wine, which his 
doctors claimed agreed' with his stomach, and 
at the same time allowed him a goodly saving 
which he could use to the advantage of others. 

On this trip he had found a mother in the 
steerage with a baby only a few hours old, and 
the little silver would be as helpful to her as 
the alcohol injurious to us. Immediately 
every one in our set began to follow the Colo- 
nel's example, and, in the morning between 
ten and eleven, we would make pilgrimages 
to the steerage, giving to those in need, though 
always careful not to offend. 

So occupied were we with various interests, 
the days passed before we could realize it. 
After dinner some would go in for dancing, 
others for social chats with the ladies in the 
salon, but the majority would find their way 
to a large table in the smoking room, where 
the Colonel held sway. We had heard of a 
remarkable thoroughbred mare that he had 



[13] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

owned, and he had agreed to tell us all about 
her, from beginning to end. 

"Yes," he began, "I Intended to have a race 
horse. I mean a race horse, no plater. So 
at the annual sale, I stepped Into the arena of 
the American Tattersalls, and patiently waited 
until they led my choice before the auctioneer. 
She seemed to have filled the eyes of others 
as well, and a large crowd began to gather 
around her. I said to myself, 'Old boy, here 
is plenty of contention,' as I noted among 
others August Delmountain, the elder; A. J. 
Assetts, W. W. Blithers, Pierre Barreloflard, 
and the famous Pitchfork brothers. 

"She was too large of barrel to be called 
good looking, but deep chested and well mus- 
cled, with an Intelligent head which she car- 
ried neither too high nor too low, but In a 
straightforward, business-like manner that 
won for her the admiration of all; in fact, 
she had the remarkable individuality that only 
runners have, a breeding that no thorough- 
bred could excel, an eye that would attract 
anyone and drive a horseman Into ecstasies 
of eagerness and expectation. 

[14] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

''The auctioneer began: 'You know her 
sire, the great campaigner "Old Glory," that 
never met defeat, and her famous dam, "Lib- 
erty," that has produced so many sturdy sons 
and daughters. Come closer and feast your 
eyes on what is to make some fortunate owner 
an excellent racer. She needs no extolling; 
her breeding and looks speak for her. Who 
will be the first to say ten thousand?' 

"Any one of us would readily have given 
that much for her, but there is a certain 
amount of finesse required at a sale that takes 
years of experience to acquire. I realized that 
I was surrounded by a flock of hawks who 
could hold their own with any camp of no- 
madic gypsies in the world. As usual, no one 
seemed to want her. At last there was an 
offer of ten thousand, followed by the cus- 
tomary shaking of heads, and it looked as if 
the auctioneer would have to knock her down, 
when someone ventured 'eleven.' 

"Now was my oportunity, and I shouted 
'twenty thousand' ! So many walked away 
that when the required time was about to 
elapse, I began to think I could have bought 
her cheaper. 



[15] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

" 'Twenty thousand once, twenty thousand 
twice, third and last!' 

" 'Five hundred,' suddenly piped out a 
weazen-faced individual, whom I could 
have strangled on the spot. 

"Now warmed up, I yelled, 'Twenty-five 
thousand!' That did it. She was mine, and 
I was so pleased with my purchase that I 
helped her future trainer, Beau Jingles, lead 
her over to my barn. 

"I lost the opportunity of winning many 
valuable stakes by not racing her as a two- 
year-old, but I did not intend to jeopardize 
her future by early racing. The pleasure of 
owning a horse is not in the money it earns, 
but in seeing it successful in defeating all com- 
ers, at all distances, under all conditions. 

"Thus could I go on in one continuous 
strain, talking horse, but I shall make this 
story as short as possible by telling you that 
I performed the hat trick with her, in winning 
the Metropolitan, Brooklyn, and Suburban 
handicaps, all in the same year. She merely 
a three-year-old, and the only horse that ever 
accomplished this feat at any age ! 

[16] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

"She began to attract attention when she 
won the Metropolitan, and at once became a 
public favorite. When she won the Brooklyn 
they went wild, and her return to the judges' 
stand brought forth round after round of 
applause. Thousands and thousands rushed 
to the winner's circle to cheer their idol. 

"Then came the unpleasantness which in- 
variably follows in the path of great achieve- 
ments — whispering remarks of 'impossible' — 
'something wrong.' Finally Gottlieb Wunbun 
could restrain himself no longer and said he 
did not think she had carried her allotted 
weight. That was all that was needed, as 
the clerk of scales and myself had been seen 
talking together, and it was no longer a sup- 
position but a fact. I was too proud to make 
a statement or a denial. The Suburban was 
soon to be run and then I should drown for- 
ever their vile accusation. 

"Through penalties and the handicapper, 
the filly was asked to carry one hundred and 
thirty pounds. On the date of the race, so 
that there could be no doubt of her carrying 
her full weight, I put up Will Gerdes as 
jockey. In spite of this handicap, the mare 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

literally rolled In, many lengths in front of 
her field, with Jockey Gerdes standing up 
in his stirrups and looking back over his 
shoulders. 

"Although I had won enormous sums on 
her in these races, I now had a desire to make 
a killing that would make all past winnings 
seem trifling. I had in mind the Melbourne 
Cup, well knowing the advantage of keeping 
my plans unknown if I desired to get long 
odds against her. 

"One night, when all about the race course 
were asleep, we quietly led the mare out of 
the barn, to the ship that was to carry us as 
far as England on our way to Australia. 

"How it did rain ! Never since the days of 
Noah had so much water drenched the earth. 
Every other step we would land in water and 
mud up to our knees and, when enormous 
Jockey Gerdes stepped into one of these holes, 
the water would rise above the curbstones on 
either side of the street and strike against the 
houses with such force that the frightened 
occupants, funny to behold in their night caps, 
would throw open their windows and anx- 

[18] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

iously peer out to learn what terrible calamity 
was visiting them. 

"At last! We reached the pier so tired 
out and bespattered with mud that we were 
hardly recognizable. It was daylight and we 
sailed away a short time afterwards on a tire- 
some trip to Dover. We were fairly com- 
fortable considering we were on a cattle ship. 
Gerdes was a bit inconvenienced at first, owing 
to the fact that I had not let him in on my 
plans and he had not provided himself with 
extra clothes; but through the offices of the 
good natured Captain (who weighed no less 
than two hundred) and artistic tailoring, two 
pairs of the Captain's trousers were made into 
one which made the jockey quite comfortable 
during the remainder of the voyage. 

"We were at Dover only long enough to 
change from one boat to another and steamed 
away the same afternoon on a turbine steamer 
for Calais. Much to our disgust, upon arriv- 
ing at the French port, we learned that we 
could not get a car suitable for our charge 
before midnight. I looked after the mare, 
while I allowed the boys to stroll around the 
quaint old citv, to see the French and their 



[19] 



The Colonel^s Racing Story 

mode of living. Fearing some one might 
recognize Gerdes, I suggested to him on his 
return to follow the fashion of the country 
and grow a beard. To this he objected most 
bitterly, but I persisted and finally he threw 
his razor away. 

"A fast express carried us to Marseilles 
several days ahead of our schedule. This 
afforded us an opportunity to run over to 
Monte Carlo, where I had but little trouble 
in demonstrating to Gerdes, after he had 
made several futile attempts to beat the bank, 
how much costlier was the entrance to hell 
than heaven. 

''At Algiers, I showed him the statue of the 
little lieutenant, McMahon, and kept him in 
trim by compelling him to walk up to Musta- 
pha twice a day. In Port Said, he and Jingles 
were like two small children turned loose in 
Toyland — they saw so much that was strange 
and interesting to them. We then took a 
steamer that was to carry us to our destina- 
tion. We made one stop only, at Aden, 
where we picked up a cargo of camels. It 
was too hot to go ashore and so unpleasant 



[20] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

even In the harbor that we were all pleased 
when we weighed anchor and sped away. 

"Now, gentlemen, I shall tell you of the 
most sensational horse race ever known. 

*'There was nothing startling In our trip to 
the Flemlngton race course, unless we may 
speak of the riot caused by the entrance of 
Gerdes to the paddock with a jockey's badge. 

"The Australians never having heard of 
America's premier rider nor of my mare, I 
could wish for no better conditions. After 
the professional scouts and the runners for 
the betting ring had sized up my mare and 
Gerdes' whiskers, the bookmakers began to 
offer odds of a thousand to one against the 
Yankee. With a few pounds, I soon quieted 
such outrageous quotations, though the by- 
standers jeered each time I took one of them 
up. In quick succession I stopped all offers 
of a hundred and of fifty. When they 
reached twenty to one, I succeeded In getting 
on a thousand pounds. From then on, as 
fast as they would offer any odds, I snapped 
them up and by starting time only a few of 
the largest bookmakers would offer evens. 



[211 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

''As the horses paraded to the starting post, 
I felt sure that the next few minutes would 
add several years to the bookmakers' lives. 

"The start was fair, all being as if in a clus- 
ter, but my mare was unfortunate enough to 
be caught between two slow horses and when 
the field straightened out she was last. 

" 'Look at the Yankee. Ten thousand 
guineas to a farthing about the Yankee,' jibed 
the onlookers, and the whole multitude 
laughed; but, when the mare got clear and 
passed one after another, the laughter sub- 
sided and the cry arose, 'Watch the Yankee, 
she is gaining! She is third! Second! She 
is in front and only galloping!' They were 
now entering the straightaway and she was 
breezing in front. 

"Gentlemen, though I had never been ill a 
day in my life, I became deathly sick, as my 
mare faltered. 'She has broken down,' I 
sighed, and horse after horse passed her. 

" 'Broken down? Bosh! Yankee courage. 
That is her trouble !' railed my neighbor. 

"The whole field had left her behind. I 
felt like a man facing death. My head began 

[22] 



The Colonel's Racing Story 

to swim and I became so dazed that my vision 
failed me. I rather fell than sank back in 
my seat, and for a second my consciousness 
was quite lost. Just when despair was chok- 
ing me to death, I heard the most glorious 
sound I had ever heard in all my life. Above 
the roar of a hundred thousand voices, above 
the beating of twenty thoroughbreds' hoofs, 
I heard the music of my mare's. 

"Gentlemen, that mare, that marvelous 
mare, bred in the purple, the mare whom I 
had named Columbia in honor of the country 
that bore her, had in the stretch, mind you, 
stopped, dropped a foal, and had come on 
and won the Melbourne Cup ! And, by 
blazes! her colt finished second, five lengths 
in front of the best horses in Australia." 



[23] 



CHAPTER III. 
Pharaoh's Gaming Table. 

A T THE end of an evening spent at cards, 
•^^ a discussion arose regarding whether 
the game was called "faro" or "pharaoh" 
bank. As usual, Colonel Rockinghorse was 
called upon to decide the argument. Not only 
did we get the answer to our question, but 
we heard, also, a most remarkable story in 
connection with the subject. 

"During my travels In Egypt," related the 
Colonel, "I met an Egyptian named HI Ero- 
glyph. He was certainly a relic of the past, 
having outlived dynasty after dynasty of 
kings. He told me of the time, centuries ago, 
when he had played against Pharaoh. This 
Is the story just as he told It to me : 

"The Story of Hi Eroglyph, the 
Egyptian. 

" 'King Necho was a man of great learn- 
ing, having taken his degrees at the sacred 
temple of the white robed priests. Like his 



[24] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

forefathers and their predecessors, the Ram- 
eses, he had made a special study of tortures, 
and he whiled away his leisure moments in- 
flicting cruelties upon others. He was al- 
ways amused at one in pain and he saw to it 
personally that he had plenty of amusement. 
He enjoyed so much the twitches a victim 
made when flagellated that he often had the 
operation repeated. Still he derived more 
solid comfort in refusing a loan to a poor un- 
fortunate who had lost his all at one of his 
gaming tables than he did In his other sports 
and pastimes. 

" 'I remember that he had certain court 
favorites keep tab on those who had accumu- 
lated sufliclent money to be worth while, and 
they were asked to the royal table. After 
dinner, the lay-out was spread and they were 
Invited to play. 

" 'I can still see that rancorous vulture sit- 
ting In what was known as the look-out chair, 
his hawk-like eyes so keen and alert that noth- 
ing escaped them. Often have I seen him 
slyly nudge the dealer to rake In a winning 
bet that some player in his excitement had 
neglected to take down. And for as many 



[25] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

years as he ruled, he was never known to over- 
look a losing bet nor overpay anyone. 

" 'A certain cross-eyed Arab who risked 
but little, invariably cashed in a huge stack 
of chips. He went to the well once too often 
and the Eliminating Angel of Egypt clipped 
him behind the ears and he was no more. A 
warning was sent out that severe punishment 
would be meted out to any one caught "tip- 
ping the stacks," that is, stealing chips off the 
stacks of others by means of a suction device 
concealed in the palm of the hand. 

" 'Though Pharaoh kept the whole king- 
dom in straitened circumstances his greed 
was not satisfied and when a Greek, Kirie 
Rouletto, came along with a device for in- 
creasing the bank's percentage, his apparatus 
was installed at once. Ignorant of his new 
advantage, we continued to play and con- 
tinued to lose. 

" 'Mohammed Squealer, who had been 
losing steadily and heavily, finally let out a 
squawk that he did not think the game was 
on the level. The King was on his feet in a 
jiffy. "Squealer," said he, "you are sallow 
and bilious-looking; surely you are not well. 

[26] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

Dr. Croaker, have the guards carry him to the 
river Nile and open his bowels with the royal 
boat hook." 

" 'About the time that I had lost my all 
and was borrowing from everyone, I discov- 
ered that those who would be contented wMth 
winning small bets could always do so simply 
by playing opposite the large ones. Thus I 
was slowly recovering my losses when sud- 
denly I glanced toward Pharaoh. I was not 
unobserved, for he was looking directly at 
me with the same look that sent poor Squealer 
to his doom; a look that spoke wonders and 
told me to change my system or take a fare- 
well look at the pictures. 

'' 'For the first time in many years I kept 
away from the gaming room and found no 
little enjoyment with the fair sex. We passed 
many pleasant hours lolling among the silken 
stuffs of the tempile and rejoicing to our 
hearts' content in the scandal of the temple, 
such as the story of how the Queen boxed the 
Princess's ears in the presence of all the royal 
servants, when she caught her in the arms of 
Rasputin, an attendant of the bath, one whom 
the Queen had chosen for her very own. 

[27] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

" 'One morning, while hastening to that 
part of the temple where I had an apartment, 
I was surprised to see a man sneaking into the 
club room, taking every precaution not to be 
observed. I recognized him as Nebuchad- 
nezzar of Babylonia, and I had such a high 
regard for him that I thought anything this 
genius was about to do would be worth watch- 
ing. I saw him go directly to the table, and, 
to my surprise, pull out a network of wires 
which he clipped into small bits and put in his 
pockets. Next he got the cards and worked 
most industriously on them for a short time, 
then hastily put them back in the box, then 
quickly and noiselessly passed by me as I stood 
hidden behind the curtain. 

" 'I could hardly wait until the opening 
when I could follow this foreigner and play 
everything he did. Instead of the doors being 
opened at the usual hour a notice was posted 
that the Club was closed for the evening. 

" 'The King was in a terrible frame of 
mind. It was dangerous for anyone to go 
near him, so I took a walk out to Gizeh, 
thinking I might find Carlos de Loieville, 



[28: 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

from whom I could always get the loan of a 
few pieces of silver. 

" 'I must take this opportunity to state that 
this same Carlos was the most efficient pha- 
raoh-bank dealer known, yet he w^as so poorly 
paid that he was forced to resort to other 
means to make both ends meet. He knew the 
King's weakness for dancing and, when the 
money drawer was bulging with coarse notes, 
he would give a signal to the leader of the 
band whose very touch of his instrument sent 
a thrill through one's body from top to toe, 
and on these occasions would play a very pop- 
ular ditty of those days, entitled "Turkey in 
the Straw." 

" 'At once there would begin a swaying, 
humming and shaking of feet, and the whole 
royal guard could not restrain his Highness 
from jumping over the lay-out and jigging. 
This afforded Carlos such an excellent oppor- 
tunity for annexing several of the larger bills, 
that he soon became a man of means and 
affluence, and those who had originally 
snubbed him now arose at his approach and 
stood with uncovered heads. 



[29] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

" 'While I did not find Carlos, I met Neb- 
uchadnezzar. He inquired if I had ever 
known a man by the name of Rouletto, at the 
same time showing me an advertisement in 
the "Evening Goat Skin" in which the King 
was offering a substantial reward for infor- 
mation as to his whereabouts. I told him I 
knew Rouletto and my description pleased 
him so that he chuckled aloud and he in- 
formed me that he also knew the man, but 
not by that name, and that Necho would not 
be able to reach him, as he had the gentleman 
safely confined in a tower in his land, work- 
ing out the plans of a new game of hazard to 
be called the "bird cage." 

" 'Now the King would have to open his 
club and deal on the square, as no other man 
in the world knew how to install the "high 
lay out" but this same Rouletto. 

" 'Neb and myself became very intimate, 
and he confided in me that he was a king in 
his own country and had taken under his wing 
the guidance of several other nations. One 
of these had taught him how to make money 
and multiply it, and had told him how a 

[30] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

nephew had tricked his uncle out of certain 
lambs and had been blessed. 

*' 'Catching his drift, I broke in and ap- 
prised him of having seen him in the club 
room and offered my assistance providing I 
was to share in the spoils. He agreed and 
explained to me that he had removed the nec- 
essary mechanism to the "high lay out" ?nd 
had put in what was known, in the parlance 
of the Greeks, as the "tell," and all that was 
necessary for me to do would be to follow his 
play and bet the limit each time. 

" 'That night, the yelps of the tiger could 
be heard on either bank of the Nile from its 
source to its mouth as we unmercifully twisted 
the tail of the beast. As a climax, when Pha- 
raoh was nearly mad with rage, there v/as 
heard the clashing of steel and the beating of 
drums, and Nebuchadnezzar at the head of 
his own army struck at Necho and put him 
asunder.' 

"Then," continued Colonel Rockinghorse, 
"I asked the Egyptian to tell me more of 
gambling and the best way to abolish it. 

[31] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

"He said that gambling was so firmly allied 
with business that the two had become inter- 
woven and not even such capable scholars as 
the ancient Greeks had been able to point out 
where one began or the other ended. So long 
as we continue to transact business, gambling 
will exist in some form or other. It has its 
advantages, in so much as it shows up man 
in his true colors. It is here we learn that the 
man who complains, has nothing to complain 
about, and another would be basking in for- 
tune's smiles if given the same opportunity. 

"He said that he had known gamblers who 
were men of their word and liberal to a fault; 
they would live up to an agreement no matter 
how disadvantageous and give to all charities 
even to the straining of their purse. Still, 
the professional gambler who does nothing 
but gamble for a living, thriving on the prod- 
uce of others without producing anything him- 
self, is a detriment to any community unfor- 
tunate enough to harbor him. 

"He was about to leave when I stopped 
him with another question. I inquired if life 
was not monotonous to him, having lived so 
long. He replied, that as he grew older and 

[Z2] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

reviewed his past life, he found all a mis- 
take; his vast experiences had taught him 
nothing but that he had always erred; that 
now he was leading a different life and desired 
to live not only to blot out the past, but to 
be good and do good in such a manner as to 
reach and benefit those who would ignore his 
endeavors in any other form. He did not 
wish me to believe that he was afraid to die, 
as he was satisfied that his soul without bodily 
form lived apart from all that was corporeal, 
and that it merely used this composition of 
salts and water, called man, to express its 
thoughts. 

" 'One can build a house,' he said, 'and in 
my day I have seen many crumble away, but 
once create a thought, and it will live for- 
ever. I beg of you to not even think of evil.' 

"I asked him if he believed in God. The 
manner in which he looked at me showed his 
disappointment. He half mumbled to him- 
self, 'What can be expected of a people who 
stood idly by, seeing a great man weep and 
die for them, and looked askance?' Then 
he spoke aloud: 'One afternoon when I 
stood on top of the large pyramid marveling 



[33] 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

at the sphinx and the tall obelisks in the dis- 
tance, I was startled by a voice, like distant 
singing, saying, "For without me you can do 
nothing." On looking below I saw a man 
surrounded by a multitude loudly proclaiming 
that to him was due the credit of the discov- 
ery. I at once looked above, and caught the 
sun winking at the moon, and the moon wink- 
ing back {Nihil est sub sole novum). 

" 'You have among you clever architects 
who can draw the plans and skilled workmen 
who can build the temples, yet their combined 
powers cannot construct a simple little flower 
or aught else that breathes and grows. How 
can a man who knows that the proof of a 
thing is in itself and has sense enough to 
know that he has not created himself, be igno- 
rant enough to ask if there is a God?' 

"He turned as if to walk away, but 
stopped and again looked at me in a most 
pitying but solemn manner. 'Look up at the 
sky,' he said, 'you are underneath a huge ball 
of fire that controls this earth and other plan- 
ets and if your eyes were as mine, you would 
see in the distance millions of suns that con- 
trol billions of planets; that, compared to 



[341 



Pharaoh's Gaming Table 

these, not only you but the earth you live on 
and the sun above you, is as a grain of salt. 
Stop and consider how small you are and what 
greatness you assume in asking such a ques- 
tion, and do not become awe-stricken at this 
immensity, as I say unto you that two non- 
entities, space and emptiness, are not only 
larger but are of sterner stuff. 

" 'My dear sir,' he continued slowly, 'the 
human eye cannot discern anything that really 
exists. What is, has been and always shall 
be. From nothing can anything arise, to 
nothing can anything recede. These wonder- 
ful works that many of you attribute to Nature 
and not to God, will disappear at the snuf- 
fing out of the candle; they never were and 
never shall be.' — I was surrounded by sym- 
bolical figures and picture writings, but Hi 
Eroglyph had disappeared." 



[35] 



CHAPTER IV. 

An Entertainment on Shipboard. 

TJTE DECIDED to request a gentleman 

^^ whose name appeared on the passen- 
ger list as the Right Honorable Charles E. 
Titmouse to open the entertainment for the 
benefit of the widows and orphans of the sea- 
men and sailors with a short address. Colonel 
Rockinghorse, we agreed, was just the man 
to make this request. Imagine our surprise 
when the usually even tempered Colonel re- 
turned from his mission, boiling with rage. 

"The very honorable gentleman you sent 
me to interview," exploded Rockinghorse, 
hadn't time to spare and referred me to his 
secretary. While I was too busy to find his 
secretary, I found time to express myself 
about one who had used collusive means to 
gain his end and despicable enough to seek 
shelter beneath the cloak of sanctification. 

"The Lord abhors a deceitful man and the 
Goddess of Fortune must be stone blind to 
waste her laurels on such an one. I suppose it 

[36] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

has puzzled others as well as myself how 
anyone In humanity's garb could vote for a 
stubborn, melancholy, thankless egotist, who 
has never succeeded in accomplishing any- 
thing while in office but what he has tried to 
avoid. 

"I agree with Poe that a reformist instead 
of being a demi-god is a devil turned inside 
out; and I told him that, when one became so 
important that he had no time for others, 
others had always made it their business to 
find another who had more leisure." 

The exasperated old man, who had never 
stopped talking long enough .to take his 
breath, dropped into a chair utterly exhausted. 

Some time after this occurrence, this same 
man whom many thought shelved for good, 
broke into the limelight and ran for a great 
and important office; but, probably on ac- 
count of his self-importance, he was beaten 
by an avalanche of opposing votes. He so for- 
got himself when conclusive proof of his de- 
feat was broken to him that he shattered the 
telephone receiver against the wall and bit- 
terly cursed those around him. 



[37] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

We had arranged a series of characters to 
represent their Individual states, and the cur- 
tain arose upon an artistically set scene where 
two tourists were climbing one of California's 
picturesque mountains. Suddenly a deep rum- 
bling came from the mountains, resolving It- 
self Into these words: 

"I, the keeper of the Golden Gate, know 
you to be strangers and I demand In the name 
of the mighty order of the N. S., your Inten- 
tions. I have been told my vegetation has no 
taste, my flowers no fragrance, my women no 
virtue, my men no honor, and that I am three 
thousand miles from Broadway! Why do 
you come to this detestable spot, where Spring 
met Autumn, and Autumn met Spring, and 
they settled down and made It their home?" 

This scene elicited great applause from the 
enthusiastic Callfornlans present. 

Next came the Colonel with a rousing 
eulogy of his own Kentucky. 

"The men of Kentucky trace their ancestry 
back to the times before the English were 
a nation and their learning to the gods. 
From early youth, they consume an elixir dis- 

[38] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

tilled from corn which makes them stalwart 
and strong and has nourished such men as 
Lincoln, Clay and Breckenridge. I must say, 
however, that I love and respect a real man, 
whether his birthplace be in the highlands of 
Kentucky or the wilds of Patagonia. 

"Kentucky's great and only vice is vanity. 
She is proud of her verdant rolling hills; 
proud of her thoroughbred horses; proud of 
her beautiful women; proud of the bold and 
courageous men who first settled her hunting 
grounds. They feared no danger and bowed 
to no obstacles. Among them there was not 
one drone nor one of a calibre of which any 
country could not be proud." 

After almost every State had been repre- 
sented, the entertainment was brought to an 
end by a gentleman from Indiana who admit- 
ted there was nothing he could say in favor 
of his State. 

We kept the audience in their seats for an 
auction pool of twenty numbers on the run 
of the steamer. A Mr. William Prime acted 
as auctioneer and he proved both proficient 
and entertaining. He succeeded in getting 

[39] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

much more for many of the numbers than 
they were worth, and even shamed Titmouse 
Into buying one. 

Juan Palmetto had just equipped Dr. 
Chef's lunar expedition. While he had no 
doubt that the doctor would reach the moon, 
what worried Juan was, would the public 
believe it? He anxiously bought a number 
for luck. 

Si Comslow, a man of sixty whose youth- 
ful appearance was attributed by others to the 
use of a nepenthe distilled from poppy leaves, 
had floated into wealth on the good ship Pet- 
ticoat. He bought a number and gave the 
cashier an order on his wife for the money. 

Col. George Frog was one of those men 
who when successful forget their friends, but 
when they meet adversity run back for favors 
from those whom they have treated with arro- 
gance. Colonel Frog bought a number and 
was so elated with its possibilities that no one 
could talk to him. When he found he had 
lost, however, he was looking on all sides for 
sympathy. 



[40] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

A great enthusiast was Colonel James, whose 
eloquence had fascinated many, and he had 
never allowed money to fascinate him. This 
gentleman, having been a frequent visitor at 
the races, had become skilled in the art of 
handicapping. He sought the log book of 
the steamer's previous runs and dug into the 
works of Euclid, books of calculus, and those 
of the Arabian chemist Geber, from whom 
Algebra derived its name. 

Finally, he came to the remarkable conclu- 
sion that, as one good turn deserves another, 
with favorable weather and no engine trouble 
the steamer passing through the same latitude 
and longitude should make the same run as 
she had made on her previous trip. The wily 
auctioneer got wind of the result of his calcu- 
lations and made James pay the record price. 
When poor James's number proved the worst 
of the lot his disgust knew no bounds and he 
let out a bellow that was likened unto the 
braying of ten thousand asses. 

In his excitement, he admitted he had been 
greatly Influenced by the barber whom he now 
denounced In no mild terms. It was not so 



[41] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

much the loss of money that disturbed him as 
his poor handicapping. 

This gentleman was one of the very few 
public officials whom I have known that never 
had midnight visitors nor occasions to step 
aside and whisper, though the bombarding of 
Verdun would be a lulling sound alongside his 
nearest approach to a whisper. The fact was, 
however, that he never had business that could 
not be transacted in the open and in the ear- 
shot of all. 

Fenzy Cahners bought the low field and in 
a sudden fit of philanthropic liberality he 
sought out the ship's engineer and offered him 
half the pool if the low field should win. 
When it failed to win, he called the engineer 
a scoundrel and threatened to have him dis- 
charged for his reckless driving of the engine. 

Mr. of Boston won the pool and 

quietly donated the entire purse of $8,200 
to charities. The stewards and others who 
crossed the ocean frequently stated this to be 
the record pool. 

As a finale, a prize was to be given away 
to the winner of a bridge tournament, but 



[42] 



An Entertainment on Shipboard 

this plan went astray. Miss Playfalr, who 
was official scorekeeper, had been leading by 
what seemed to be a safe margin but, towards 
the end, Miss Matilda Goodsoul, a shock- 
ingly poor player but possessed of remarkable 
ability of holding aces and kings, suddenly 
overcame the lead and the score was lost over- 
board — an accident which brought forth many 
apologies from Miss Playfair. She said that 
although she had undoubtedly won, she could 
not think of accepting the prize without the 
evidence, and the only thing to do was to 
play over again or to call it off. The latter 
course was unanimously agreed upon amid 
uncontrollable sighs of relief. 

Then the band played "God Save the 
King," and the majority stood up and sang 
'^My Country, 'Tis of Thee." 



[43] 



CHAPTER V. 

The Colonel's Romantic Escapade. 

T ATE one night, I discovered the fascinat- 
•■"^ ing Colonel surreptitiously sneaking 
from his cabin to that of a very charming 
widow. I admit what I did was not very 
chivalrous but I told my friends, who at once 
agreed to have some sport at the expense of 
the pair. Naturally we feared nothing from 
the Colonel as we knew he would be willing 
to bear the brunt of a joke. On account of 
the lady in the case, however, we decided to 
be very cautious. Of course we knew there 
was nothing dishonorable in their meetings, 
simply a case of timorous bashfulness causing 
them to seek each other's company at an hour 
when they were least likely to be observed. 

The next night we waited until the gentle- 
man was making his nocturnal visit, then we 
stretched a wire outside of the door at the 
height of one's ankles, and clipped the elec- 
tric light wires that led into the cabin. We 
then stood beneath a small aperture for ven- 

[44] 



The Colonel's Romantic Escapade 

tllating purposes, and listened to the follow- 
ing: 

"If you, fair lady, had lived in the days of 
chivalry, you would have changed the whole 
world's history. There was no Venus until 
now. Never before was skin so soft, form 
so perfect and true. Every flower straightens 
up, and the buds burst their bindings to get 
a better view, as they all pay homage to you, 
who was never designed for mortal man. 
Yet I, who am held tight in the vise of old 
age, have the boldness to hope that some day 
you will be mine." 

"No more of that. Colonel dear, you are 
just in your prime, and like Othello, need only 
to tell a lady the story of your life, to win 
her heart." 

"Madame, when I become so old that I 
have to resort to a lying tongue to win my 
way to a lady's heart, I shall wear a drivelling 
bib and resign myself to senility." 

"Chide me not, Monteith dear, as my heart 
can wait no longer, and demands that I follow 
you through life's trials to the end." 



[45] 



The Colonel'''s Romantic Escapade 

I had secured two cats, a dog and a parrot, 
all tied on a string a short distance apart, and 
I now held them ready. As the Colonel 
gently fondled and caressed his lady-love and 
just as she gave him permission to kiss her 
and thanked the stars that darkness shielded 
the blushes of a soon-to-be bride, I dropped 
the small menagerie through the opening, all 
in a heap, on the Colonel. Instantly the cats 
began to scratch, the dog to bark and snap, 
and the parrot to screech. The Colonel, at 
the top of his voice, ordered the lights to be 
turned on, at the same time trying to free him- 
self of his enemies and groping in the dark to 
find the door. 

In the meantime a cat got beneath one of 
the Colonel's arms, the dog under the other, 
the parrot on top of his head, jeering at him, 
and the other cat clawing into his back. 

"But turn on the light and allow me to get 
my hands on him and I shall drown your 
lover in his own blood!" roared Rocking- 
horse. 

"Pray, what is it? How did two of you 
get in here? I beg of you, gentlemen, con- 
sider my honor," anxiously pleaded the lady. 



[46] 



The Colonel's Romantic Escapade 

''Cowards have been known to fight, but, 
as brave as I am, I am not brave enough to 
run away. So here, Madame, I make my 
stand, even though it shatters the reputation 
of all the ladies in the land. Turn, assassin, 
turn!" cried he, "and meet me face to face. 
A demon of a thousand heads is not too much 
for me. Ouch! Madame, I think you have 
entered into a compact with the devil, to have 
enticed me here. Ouch ! Ouch ! Oh ! Oh ! 
Open the door ! There never lived man more 
valiant, ouch ! than I, but this biting and 
gnawing from behind is too much. Ouch ! 
Mercy! I cry." At this moment, finding the 
door, he burst it open and rushed forth with 
a force so strong that when his legs struck 
the wire he was thrown, still entangled with 
the animals, many feet down the corridor. 

Between the Colonel's howls of pain and 
the widow's cries of fright they had brought 
many of the passengers to their cabin doors. 
I at once found the switch and turned off all 
the electric lights before any one could be 
recognized, but not before Mr. Toby Tomp- 
kins, a Harlemite, who had often been awak- 
ened by cats, still half asleep, opened his door 



[47] 



The Colonel's Romantic Escapade 

and let fly his bootjack, striking the Colonel 
on his pate with a thud, leaving a bump which 
reminded him of the Incident for several days 
later. 

I have taken the liberty of telling this little 
escapade not so much to amuse as to fulfill 
the wishes of the Colonel, as I heard him say, 
"If a man is worth being written about he Is 
worth the truth." So do not extenuate or 
pass hurriedly over his faults, but rather ex- 
tenuate and study them, so if there should 
be anyone who thought enough of him to 
attempt to follow in his footsteps he may 
know all his faults and profit by them. 



[48] 



CHAPTER VI. 
More About Colonel Rockinghorse. 

T WISH some wonderful artist could have 
•^ painted the picture which I beheld on the 
ship's deck one day. There sat the Colonel 
in the midst of a bevy of children, his beam- 
ing face looking over the little ones as the^i 
climbed on his knees, clung to his arms and 
shoulders and sat at his feet. The old gen- 
tleman never seemed so happy as when tell- 
ing them stories of Brier Rabbit, fairies, 
kings, princes and princesses, or of the knights 
of the older days. 

Apparently he had no purpose in life but 
to give pleasure to others, for after we had 
arrived in London I have often seen him sac- 
rifice something to the poor. It seemed im- 
possible for him to enjoy luxurious comfort 
while others were in want, and he never lost 
an opportunity to benefit his fellow man, yet 
he believed in rigid enforcement of justice, 
and caused the arrest of a coarse, burly man 
for begging whom he knew to be able to earn 



[49] 



More About Colonel Rockinghorse 

his living. Remarking that he could not tol- 
erate a healthy brute feigning sickness to en- 
croach upon the privileges of the genuinely 
helpless; for not only do such undesirables 
take what should go to others, but they fur- 
nish an excuse to the selfish who, to justify 
themselves, point to such instances of alms 
finding their way to the undeserving. 

Probably Colonel Rockinghorse's most 
striking characteristic was his habit of express- 
ing at every opportunity his homely but sound 
philosophy in a manner which was singular, 
to say the least. 

I still remember a few of these sayings: 

Until the realization of God, you are "it" 
at "blind man's buff." 

Never play at "tag" when your shoulders 
are sunburned, nor ever find fault with an- 
other for doing what you yourself would 
probably do. 

When fool meets fool, they fool each 
other ; but when knave meets knave, the game 
is blocked. 



[50] 



More About Colonel Rockinghorse 

Flattery is the bait used by the knave, and 
wise is the man who can unhesitatingly pass 
this tempting morsel. 

Men who thrive by their wits reject an 
honest victim. It is absolutely necessary for 
them to find a creature who has no scruples 
against taking advantage of his fellow man. 
When such an one is found, the artful trick- 
ster entices with a show of an enormous re- 
turn, a never-to-come-to-light, and a sure get- 
away; then the gullible one steps in and inva- 
riably finds himself in that predicament in 
which he had expected to put another. 

I admit the luscious juice may be extracted 
from any simpleton, but the full-fledged, blub- 
bering booby called the "sucker," chucked full 
of the fluid and larceny, voluntarily places 
himself on the altar and assists in the cere- 
mony. 

Victims of green goods, wire tapping, and 
similar swindling games, are ones who have 
entered into agreements to defraud their fel- 
low men. Had they lived up to the Golden 
Rule, their consciences would be easier and 
their pockets fuller. 



[51] 



More About Colonel Rockinghorse 

Turn the damper on your passion before 
you are scorched by its heat. 

Do not waste your time on impossibilities, 
but never allow failures to discourage you, 
for among the most successful are some that 
have made many failures. If you have really 
tried today, you have planted a seed that will 
sprout tomorrow. Do not forget that one 
accomplishment only paves the way for a 
greater accomplishment. Your work is never 
finished, so long as you are sound of body 
and mind. 

Envy is a cancer that finally destroys the 
life it feeds upon. 

The "good fellow" gained the sobriquet 
at the expense of his own family, and is mere- 
ly serving himself as a choice pudding. When 
the platter is cleaned, he will be left to his own 
meditation. 

Give to the poor liberally, but purchase the 
respect and friendship of all through your 
manhood. 

It is not necessary to say that one is "a 
brave and bold man." The fact that he is a 



[52] 



More About Colonel Rockinghorse 

man denotes these things, and a person that 
does not possess these qualifications, while he 
may be called a gentleman, is no man. 

Knowledge is the only priceless thing that 
does not require a safety deposit. It is the 
most faithful of friends and is a bargain at 
any price. The more freedom you give it, 
the safer and better. 

Do not go broke borrowing, but enrich 
yourself extending favors. 

An honest pacifist takes up arms and ban- 
ishes the intruder that threatens his peace and 
liberty. That creature who will not fight for 
these rights is not a pacifist, but a coward who 
shirks his duty and denies an obligation he 
owes to humanity, and he does not nor shall 
he ever enjoy peace. 

Remember that no matter how narrow the 
passage, or how^ deep the pit, or how thick 
the walls, you are not alone. 

My eyes have been known to deceive me, 
my ears have misunderstood, but I have such 
control over my tongue that I swear by it at 
all times. 



[S3] 



More About Colonel Rockinghorse 

Destroy evil by feasting your eyes only on 
that which is good, as evil requires so much 
attention that neglect will soon cause it to 
shrivel up. 

Each rising sun ushers forth a new day, 
overflowing with golden opportunities; be one 
of the first at the distribution of the plums. 



[54] 



CHAPTER VII. 
A Letter from a Visiter to Our Planet. 

TVTE WERE sitting in the smoking room 
^^ one evening, having a social chat, when 
Colonel Rockinghorse entered the room. 

"Gentlemen," said he, "here is a letter that 
substantiates Hi Eroglyph in many ways." 
He then proceeded to read this remarkable 
document : 

" 'To the people who inhabit the planet 
Oblivion, by them called the Earth, or 
to anyone it may concern : 

" 'My dear friends: 

" 'My name is Jeremiah Comet, Jr., only 
son of Jeremiah Comet, Sr., known to every 
inhabitant of a million planets as Jeremiah, 
the Great, inventor of the comet which bears 
our family name, and the originator and pro- 
prietor of the Comet Line of Jitneys. 

" 'In certain sections, business had become 
so dull that father was thinking of dropping 

[55] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

some of the stations from our route. As we 
were nearing this planet, he called me to his 
side. *'Jerry, my boy," said he, "I have been 
looking over my books and find that Oblivion 
has given us but few passengers. It is fully 
stocked with people, whose knowledge is so 
limited that they are satisfied with earthly 
things and know nothing of the many attrac- 
tions we can offer them at our various inter- 
planetary stopping places. 

" ' ''Jeremiah," continued he, "you are fifty 
thousand years old. I have spent a fortune 
on your education, and you have travelled 
more than any young man living. I think it 
is about time for you to bear fruit. Stop off 
at this planet until I return. Point out to the 
inhabitants our advantages. Let them know 
our attractions are manifold; and at the same 
time impress upon them that if business does 
not pick up, they will be dropped from our 
route." 

" 'I alighted at Broadway and 42nd Street, 
in the City of New York, and although I was 
a stranger, instead of being received in a 
courteous manner, I was compelled to use all 
my physical strength to protect myself. I was 



[56] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

shoved one way, then another, and not once 
did any one offer an apology; nor could I find 
one who would listen, much less answer a 
question. I at once discovered that you wor- 
ship the wicked little dancing demon and live 
solely to obey him; and Instead of your brains 
catering to your heart, they give their entire 
attention to your feet. 

" 'After mastering the language of this sec- 
tion of your planet, I decided the only way 
you could be reached was through the pen. 

" 'While life may not be so serious as a few 
of you try to make It, you must realize It Is 
for some purpose Inasmuch as you have brains 
and qualities superior to the ass, which were 
not given to you merely to find your way to 
the feed box and watering trough. You were 
given power over your senses, but you are so 
weak that you allow them to dominate over 
you. 

" 'You are full of good resolutions which 
you will never keep. You are so afraid of 
the truth that you deny what you have done, 
and claim to have done what you have not. 
You agree to do that which you have no in- 



[57] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

tendon of doing, and agree not to do what 
you fully intend to do. 

'^ 'These things are beyond me, as I can 
not imagine how any one could prefer lying 
to having others know the truth. The truth 
is the truth. It needs no shaping. There are 
no corners or rough edges to be taken off, in 
fact, it is so delicate and refined that the 
least tampering will break it. 

" 'Unity is the secret of advancement in 
other planets. You never hear anyone say, "I 
did it," or "that is mine." It is always, "We 
did it," or "That is ours." No one desires 
to achieve success over his neighbor nor to 
neglect him during his sorrow. 

" ' "Cleanliness is next to godliness'' there, 
as well as here. As our streets are cleaned, 
clean yours. I am told yours are flooded 
every night, but I find them dirty during the 
day. As often as they become dirty, so often 
should they be cleaned. While you are at it, 
sweep out calumny, spite, avarice, and others 
of their ilk, that are hanging about. 

" 'The fact that some of you, like the 
beaver, prefer work to any other form of 



[58] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

amusement, is no reason why others should 
not have a fair part of the day to enjoy them- 
selves in a manner pleasing to them. Though 
many of us are a hundred thousand years old, 
or more, each day seems shorter than the one 
before. 

*' 'As sure as cowardice is one of the tribu- 
taries of ignorance, courage is one of the trib- 
utaries of knowledge. Therefore, through 
your intellect, be brave enough to overcome 
sensual desires of youth, and become men free 
from its stains. 

" 'Have you ever stopped to ask yourself 
the question, "Why am I here?" "Why has 
man been placed in a new world, absolutely 
pure and clean, and been allowed to turn it 
topsy turvy, driving out good and introducing 
evil?" Did it ever occur to you that you may 
stay here until you are worthy of a better 
place? The school boy who fails in his les- 
sons today, must try again tomorrow; and if 
you do not fulfill certain requirements this 
time, you may have to try once again. 

" 'How disappointed must Oblivion be in 
itself, to have been equipped with so many 



[59] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

clear running streams, beautiful valleys and 
dales, green timber-covered mountains, and a 
rich plenty producing soil, merely to feed and 
fatten the parasitic fungi. 

" 'Imagine that you were my father, and 
had visited many planets bordering on per- 
fection, and as you sat in the pilot house of 
the Comet, looking down on the earth, you 
saw the people backing vice with all their 
might and power, as she bleeds decency white ; 
all practicing deceit; the strong oppressing the 
weak ; the rich the poor ; and committing mul- 
titudinous errors ; wrapped in malice, envy and 
covetousness. Very few of you would show 
the consideration that my father has. You 
would turn your heads in disgust and hur- 
riedly drive away from these abominations 
and a people content in their own ignorance. 
You are too cowardly to tell the truth to men ; 
yet brave enough to lie in the presence of 
God. 

" 'Your morals were better at one time, 
but you have gone from good to bad, and 
from bad to worse. 

" 'What you should desire and look for- 
ward to, is a state of perpetual happiness. I 



[60] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

have no desire to make you dissatisfied with 
your present abode by telHng you of a better 
one; I simply wish to Impress upon you that 
you can improve the conditions here, as we 
have In Veracity. You actually fear death, 
while we consider natural death as much of a 
blessing as birth. In truth we know it is a 
birth. You have only to overcome your 
antagonistic disposition to develop more 
quickly. 

" 'You do not seem to realize what we 
learned centuries ago, that to be other than 
just was to our own disadvantage. Do not 
think honor is destitute because your dim 
eyes cannot fathom Its riches. Be not too 
ambitious, as ambition to honor Is as the boa 
constrictor to Its prey. But keep yourself 
occupied, as Satan has such contempt for the 
Industrious that he ignores them. By avoid- 
ing bad, you will meet good. I once heard 
of a man who jumped aside to avoid hell and 
found himself in heaven. 

" 'In you I have found a strange people. 
Indeed ; although you know right from wrong, 
you continue to grope in the dark. On all 
sides there is nothing but confusion and con- 



[61] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

tentlon. You are so Inconsistent that what 
you today consider to be a fact, tomorrow 
you will doubt. You are like lint In the air; 
you go whichever way the wind blows. 
You jump through the first loop-hole that 
offers itself. Because I am here today, do 
not say, "Well, I suppose he Is right," but 
compare what I say with what someone said 
yesterday, and what another will say tomor- 
row. If you have riches, give. If you have 
brains, think. Either is beneficial. Your 
whole life has been one of deceit, yet you have 
deceived no one but yourselves. 

" 'You were given Good, but grew tired of 
it, messed it about, and finally flung it aside 
for Evil. You dressed up your new plaything 
in all the gay colors of its depravities, and 
gloried in it, but when you were pained by 
its sting, you could not throw It aside as easily 
as you had Good. 

" 'I find that you favor justice, unless 
injustice Is to your advantage. You will 
give, so long as you do not miss what you 
give ; and look to all sides for commendation. 
Why, even the highwayman will give his old 
clothes to some one In need. The meanest 



[62] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

criminal in the world, providing he is not in 
a hurry, will fetch a glass of water to one 
dying of thirst. True charity is parting with 
something you will miss. 

" 'You only take that stand which con- 
forms with your selfish motives. A woman 
in the same building where I am lodging had 
for thirty years lived with her husband, and 
had no fault to find with him, but when he 
had lost all his money she suddenly discov- 
ered him to be a tyrant and divorced him. 
You require nothing of yourselves, but expect 
much of others. 

'* 'While you can prove nothing, you are 
egotistical enough to think you know all. 
You have been given an opportunity to play at 
living, and you do not know how to take 
advantage of it; you are as helpless as a par- 
venu making his first appearance in a draw- 
ing room. 

" 'The desire to excel, retards. You must 
work together, and as for one of you attempt- 
ing to steal a march on your neighbor is the 
same as digging a ditch in your own path. 
God loves team work, and in Veracity they 



[63] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

advance together, shoulder to shoulder, stride 
and stride alike. They pick up those who 
have fallen by the wayside, no matter what 
their condition, nor how deep in the gutter 
they may lie, for they are essential parts, and 
when all the parts are collected together they 
will form a solid V whose rush to heaven 
nothing can block. 

" 'Not only have you figured out the origin 
of the world, but you speak of its predestined 
future, saying that just as the consolidation 
of gases, molecules, etc., formed the planets, 
so there would be a final consolidation of all 
Planets into one large Sphere. I can give 
you an idea of the enormity of such a sphere 
by giving you the report of a pilot who had 
quite a long ride on a runaway comet. 

" 'The comet began to skid at a point near 
the center of the bowl of the great dipper, 
and finally darted off in a straight line towards 
what we term the "huge Nebulae." The pilot 
was almost helpless, only being able to guide 
his comet the least bit to the right or left to 
avoid collisions. He was gone ten thousand 
years before he gained sufficient control to 
enable him to return with her. At no time 



[64] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

was the speed less than a thousand miles a 
second, nor was there any diminishing of the 
planets which were on her right and left, in 
front and behind, and above and below her. 
So we generally agreed among ourselves that 
if the comet had doubled her speed, and had 
been gone for a million years, yea, a hundred 
millions or more, it would have been the 
same. 

" 'I understand how you can make one 
mass out of a known number of balls, but 
how can you make one ball out of a limitless 
number of balls which have no starting nor 
ending? This is beyond us, and we reckon in 
myriads, whereas you reckon In units. 

" 'We have decided that Infinity and eter- 
nity are far beyond our conception and no 
concern of ours. If we succeed In doing what 
is right and abstain from doing what Is wrong, 
we are doing God's will, and I think that 
should suffice you also. Let your philoso- 
phers first find God, then they will have suc- 
ceeded in finding the truth. Instead of being 
in a strange land, they will find themselves at 
home. And the pilot said, "Through all the 



[65] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

vast space I felt, as I do here, the presence of 
God, omnipotent, omnipresent, all In all." 

" 'At home, I have heard them speak of 
war, but during the fifty thousand years I have 
lived, and the thousand of planets I have vis- 
ited, I have never seen a war. I have always 
thought war was legendary, but here on the 
planet of Oblivion I find It a reality. Even 
as I write, I hear the loud blasts of the trum- 
pets, calling more to arms, more to the front, 
more to swell the river of blood, more to the 
stockyards of Europe to help squelch the 
ambitious spleen of the barbaric potentate of 
the Huns. 

" 'I see the foes facing each other, knee 
deep In blood. Their bodies are lacerated, 
and their heads battered, and the loss of blood 
from their open wounds almost throws them 
Into each other's arms at every lunge. Still 
they fight, still the hacking and hewing con- 
tinues, reeling and stumbling over the slain 
like monstrous beasts. They are depopulat- 
ing the world, and paying homage to that 
merchant In flesh and blood, "The God of 
War," whose Instruments make equal the 



[66] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

wise and the fool, dragging civilization back 
to the barbaric days of long ago. 

" 'Of what flimsy texture is the covering 
of man's brain composed, that it admits such 
thoughts as those of war? Let the beasts 
gore one another, and the elements battle in 
their continual strife, — man is for a different 
purpose. 

" 'The very old and learned men of Ve- 
racity say, however, that since the unprepared 
are merely targets for the enemy, the best 
and only way to assure peace is to build up 
your navy, strengthen and extend your forti- 
fications, and be in a state of perpetual pre- 
paredness. Thus, by equipping the dove with 
the beak and claws of the eagle, keep the bird 
of prey away. The only war justifiable is one 
to suppress tyranny — never one for conquest. 

" 'Are you always going to be like the bar- 
nacle and cling to matter, rendering abortive 
my mission? Even the caterpillar longs for 
the time when it can spread its wings and 
soar. Our requirements are quite simple for 
the worker; they only seem drastic to the 
drone. It is only necessary to try, to qualify 

[67] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

for a ride, and the seating capacity on the 
comet is sufficiently large for the entire pop- 
ulation of the Earth. Do you care so little 
for liberty that you are willing to lie forever 
enslaved to gravity? 

'^ ^Is it possible for you to picture the joy 
of my father, if on his return I could say, 
"Make room for the people of the Earth, 
for they are with me?" How bounteous 
would be his blessings. With what pride he 
would look upon his son, as he would open 
wide his arms to welcome the long-sought-for 
passengers. 

" 'There is a higher order of things than 
I can explain or demonstrate, and untold 
riches awaiting you. But my father warns 
you that it is generally understood that any- 
one who expects a reward for doing what is 
right, could probably for a consideration be 
induced to do what is wTong. A man who 
justifies a fraud would, in all probability, 
commit one. Such persons are not wanted. 

" 'There was a time when we were as blind 
as you, and I am not a Seer nor a Sweden- 
borg, but a plain, simple man, possessing only 



[68] 




SHOT UP THROUGH THE SKYI,IGHT 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

that amount of knowledge which enables me 
to realize the great advantage of a planet of 
equality and happiness. It would be absurd, 
indeed, for me to claim aught but what my 
conduct would bear out. Individually, I have 
accomplished little, but I am a member of a 
huge congenial body that has accomplished 
wonders, simply by being on the level. I beg 
of you to benefit by the experience of Verac- 
ity, for she was in your condition, but she now 
ranks as far above you as the difference of 
the squares between you. Yet she longs for 
you, and stretches out her hand to welcome 
you, as she herself is welcomed by the planet 
of Perfection.' 

"Here," said Colonel Rockinghorse, "this 
unusual letter comes to an end, and the fol- 
low^ing is attached to it: 

" 'Note. — The undersigned was employed 
by Mr. Comet as a man servant. My master 
subsisted on vapors, and his sudden and unex- 
pected departure was caused by partaking too 
ravenously of gaseous corpuscles that as- 
cended from a suffragettes' meeting which 
was being held directly below our lodgings. 
He was so interested in his writings that he 

[69] 



A Letter from a Visitor to Our Planet 

did not discover his predicament until he 
began to rise. He called upon me to hold 
him down, as he tried to relieve himself of 
the inflation. This he found impossible, and 
each second found him lighter and more dif- 
ficult to control. I thought if I could reach 
and close the window I might shut off his 
supply, and in attempting to do so I slackened 
my hold on him just a little. He immedi- 
ately tore loose from me and, like a rocket, 
shot up through the skylight. 

" 'This I solemnly swear to be the truth. 

(Signed) '' 'Newton Gravity.' '' 



[70] 




R< 



^ 



COUNT HIROSAKA HAD NO I.IKING 

FOR the; coi<onbi, ' ' 



CHAPTER VIII. 

An Awful Dream. 

/^OLONEL ROCKINGHORSE seemed 
^^ to dislike Count Hirosaka, who for his 
part had no liking for the Colonel. The 
smoking room was divided into two sets, one 
headed by the Colonel, which spent most of its 
time in drinking, the other by the Count, 
which spent its time in gambling. Livingston 
had chosen the side of the latter. His losses 
had amounted to a considerable sum, the 
enormity of which suggested that all might 
not have been fair. I thought he should have 
been put on his guard, and declared to the 
Colonel my intention of doing so. I was 
immediately told of a certain Mr. Stonefel- 
low, who had accumulated a colossal fortune 
and who attributed his wealth to his habit of 
minding his own business. 

Nevertheless, the next day, when I again 
heard of Livingston having made another 
heavy loss, I called the Count aside and 
begged him to use his influence to keep Liv- 



[71] 



An Awful Dream 

Ingston from playing this the last night 
aboard. He was pleased that I should take 
such an interest in one of his followers, and 
promised to do what he could. 

After dinner while I was seated at a table 
next to them, I overheard the Count tell Liv- 
ingston not to worry about his losses ; that he 
himself was wealthy, and to seal their friend- 
ship he forced on Livingston a roll of bills 
that doubled the amount of his losses, at the 
same time asking him not to play any more. 

The Count motioned me to join them, and 
as I took my seat at their table, I noticed with 
concern the changes that had come over Liv- 
ingston. At the beginning of the voyage, 
without the least hesitation, I should have 
voted him the best looking man aboard; now 
he was haggard and sallow, with deep, black 
circles beneath his eyes. His hand shook so 
that he could not carry a glass to his lips 
without spilling half the contents. As the 
poor fellow leaned on his elbows and buried 
his face in his hands, the Count whispered to 
me, "We must watch him closely, his mind 
is in that state which drives one to distrac- 
tion, perhaps suicide." 



[72] 



An Awful Dream 

Unfortunately, Livingston overheard him. 
"What!" cried he. "What manner of beast 
do you think I am, that such a thought would 
enter my head? No, gentlemen, I am not 
worried over my losses, but I have had such 
a dreadful warning in the shape of a horrible, 
terrifying dream which has so upset me that 
it keeps me awake at night. I can think of 
nothing else and I have only been playing at 
cards to free my mind of agonized forebod- 
ings. As for the money, an Englishman may 
lose more than he can afford, but never more 
than he can pay. I shall return this money 
the first day we are in England, and shall find 
some way of proving my appreciation and 
gratitude in an appropriate manner." 

Thinking that it might relieve his mind, 
I suggested that he tell us of his dream. 

"Gentlemen," said he, "I am also under a 
terrible mental strain, for I carry a verbal 
message in code, to my Government. I am 
ignorant of its meaning, but I know from 
the manner and warning of those who gave 
it to me, that it is vitally important. I was 
warned to keep it clear in my brain, but not 

[73] 



An Awful Dream 

to repeat It aloud, even to myself, until I 
had reported It In the royal diplomatic cham- 
ber. I shall, nevertheless, take some com- 
fort In unfolding my strange dream to you 
who are, I am sure, my sincere friends. This 
Is my dream. 

"I lay awake, shivering with fear, sur- 
rounded by a multitude of masks and faces 
and shadowy forms. One came apart from 
the others and addressed me : 'Oh, neglectful 
one, thy carelessness shall bleed a nation 
bare !' Just then the clock struck twelve and 
there bounded Into the room one blacker 
than the rest. 'It's my property,' he cried, 
'as the measurements prove.' and he flung 
himself upon me. 'See, there is not a jot's 
difference from finger tip to finger tip, nor 
from head to toe; he is my own and to my 
home must go.' 

"He forced me through my berth, down 
through the bottom of the boat to the very 
depths of the sea, and on downwards through 
submarine labyrinths. We stopped for noth- 
ing, nor could anything have stopped us. 
The deeper we sank, the tighter the hold on 
me grew. 



[74] 



An Awful Dream 

" 'Who are you? Where are we going?' 
I cried in terror. 

" 'I am the one on the other side called 
the "Shadow," ' he cried. 'I have been led 
by you for years, into many places that were 
distasteful to me, though I was never con- 
sulted, I never complained. Now it is my 
turn, and you are going to my domains, 
where are garnered the riches of the world. 
You will appreciate the life there, as it is 
shorn of hypocrisy and safe from the necro- 
mancy of that old sham "Sol" who has hood- 
winked you so long. I was before, and shall 
be after him.' 

"On the Shadow swept with me, making 
his own path as we went deeper and deeper, 
forcing huge boulders and solid rocks to 
open like clams, to receive us at one end and 
pass us out at the other in a like manner. 
As I was dragged through niches in the wall, 
the rattling of the dried bones, which we 
shoved aside, would cause my flesh to creep, 
and I kept the fingers of one hand pressing 
together my nostrils to avoid the rank odor 
that arose, as we passed through what had 
been a sepulchre. 



[75] 



An Awful Dream 

"We passed a stratum that must have been 
the surface of the earth thousands of centu- 
ries ago, and we saw burled cities of the 
strangest architecture. The ways had become 
darker and darker until now they were like 
pitch. Suddenly my guide stopped and lis- 
tened. He asked if I heard the striking of 
a clock. I answered Yes, as I counted 
twelve. 'We are nearing the city,' said he, 
'and soon you shall have a light that is illu- 
minating indeed, and your greatest expecta- 
tions will be humbled by magnificent reali- 
ties, and each new exhilerating incident will 
be shattered by an event greater still.' 

"We came to a dropping off place, which 
filled me with fear and caused my head to 
swim. Just before taking the plunge we were 
stopped by an old hag, who had driven up 
the perpendicular wall of the chasm in a 
golden chariot, drawn by two huge snarling 
rats. She offered for sale a ticket to Pro- 
serpine's midnight ball and spat at me when 
I refused to buy. Her sputum, missing me, 
struck a rock which at once became as the 
refuse of a dissecting table, and wherever 
she stood she polluted that spot. I thought 



[76] 



An Awful Dream 

to myself that If at this point things are so 
virulent and pestilential how horrible and 
intolerable they must be at the centre of the 
earth. 

"The next second we were off In space, 
going down, down, lower, lower, each second 
doubling our speed. Little did I think we 
would survive this terrific plunge, but we 
alighted as if drifting on a snow-flake near- 
by what the Shadow called the City, but 
what seemed to me more like a cesspool. 

" 'We shall soon be there,' he said, 'and 
for the present you must content yourself 
with admiring the exquisite infamy of these 
pastimes.' 

"We swiftly sped through the now 
crowded lanes that led to the city's gate. 
I heard the weird tolling of the bell and 
counted twelve, and asked, 'What was that?' 
He answered, 'Midnight.' Again I heard, and 
asked. Again he answered, 'Midnight.' 
Again and again I heard the same tolling, 
and asked the same question, and as often 
he answered, 'Midnight.' 'Why,' said I, 
'It was midnight many hours ago, when I 
first heard the striking of the clock.' 



[77] 



An Awful Dream 

" 'Here,' said he, 'Is proved that dark- 
ness is natural and light artificial; it was 
midnight at the beginning, it is midnight 
now, and it will be midnight at the ending.' 

"Still the everlasting ringing, chiming and 
striking of midnight did not prevent me 
from hearing lugubrious wallings, bowlings 
and gnashlngs of teeth, and peering down 
through an opening I saw a roaring, crack- 
ling world of fire that scorched my very 
cheeks and singed my hair. Suddenly I was 
startled by a peal of thunder that shook the 
earth, resounding and echoing back and 
forth, unloosening huge stones from their 
fastenings. 

" 'It is the crack of doom,' I cried. 

"'Pshaw!' said my guide, 'It Is merely 
the baaing of the old sheep that guards the 
gate.' 

"In the centre of the gate was a platform 
and on the platform stood a giant with the 
head of a goat and the body of a man. He 
saluted us most blandly and said: 

" 'I am the doorkeeper. While I could if 
I chose, I never have been so mean as to 



[78] 



An Awful Dream 

refuse entrance to any one, and I am kept 
so busy receiving guests that I never get a 
wink of sleep. What a city you are enter- 
ing! How majestic in appearance! How 
superb in reality! In possibilities how re- 
sourceful ! In entertainments, how elabo- 
rate ! With what foresight were the archi- 
tectural plans ! An entrance so large that 
it will admit all, and an exit so small that it 
will emit none !' 

"He now held out the filthiest and coarsest 
paw that I had ever seen, and said, 'This, my 
right hand, accepts all, and my left is too 
polite to refuse anything, and though blood 
is our mammon and blood our toll, we shall 
be content with just your soul.' 

"I was so entranced by a bevy of beau- 
tiful women that surrounded him that I paid 
little attention to what he w^as saying, but 
like one stricken with fright, I stood glued 
to the spot. 

"The poor nude creatures seemed to real- 
ize their shame and covered their eyes with 
their arms and bent their heads to the very 
middle of their bodies, allowing the ends of 



[79] 



An Awful Dream 

their long jet black hair, glistening like dia- 
monds, to trail in the dust. 

"The beast continued: 'There are a 
great many handsome and clever men about, 
but I am so indulgent and tender, my kiss 
so inviting and entrancing, and my beard 
tickles so joyously that they will have no 
other.' 

"And this demon, old, worthless and worn 
out by debauchery, proud of his holdings, 
totally without consideration for the happi- 
ness of these poor women, egotistic in the 
belief that it was his own personality that 
held them, began to strut about, his chest 
expanding more and more. As he gloated 
and ranted, his whole body began to swell to 
an enormous size, all out of proportion, and 
in swaying back and forth he lost his balance 
and fell from the platform to the ground 
below. His grin and leer changed to a look 
of fright and pain. He wriggled and 
twisted, his eye balls glared; he sputtered 
and spat and became a monster horrible to 
behold. 

Suddenly, all his wives, screaming wildly, 
rushed in between his wide opened jaws. 

[80] 



An Awful Dream 

Immediately the beast was thrown Into con- 
vulsions, and as he rolled and twisted, he 
plowed up several acres of land. Amid his 
groans, there was a deafening explosion with- 
in, and he belched forth a million shapely 
and bewitching little flappers in the brightest 
colors, blushing and smiling as they scurried 
off in different directions, as if each had a 
mission to perform. At first, their beauty 
seemed only to cover still more fascinating 
charms, but as they flittered by, I was hor- 
rified to discover that their faces were made 
up, their finger tips were tiger-like claws; 
their tongues long and forked, and each wink 
discharged a stinging dart of fire. 

" 'As you perceive,' said the Shadow, 
*these are the breeding grounds of vice. Did 
you note how the young ones were passed 
through the living furnace to advance their 
maturity, and to dry their cherubic wings, 
which otherwise would have been wet, as 
they arose from their larvae. Now as dry 
as the Arabic sands and fully developed, 
they burst forth In all the splendor of the 
allurements of hell, and they are like bees. 



[81] 



An Awful Dream 

There are a million or more, and every one 
will return and not one alone.' 

"As we passed through the gate the time- 
piece of eternity pealed its chimes, 'Mid- 
night.' I beheld suspended in the air, long 
bony ghostly hands, grasping blood-dripping 
arrows that pointed to skillfully-executed pic- 
tures which were on either side of the walk. 
Pictures of church yards yawning and grue- 
some murders being committed- On the top 
of the tarnished frames of these master- 
pieces, like sentinels, perched ravens, heralds 
of woe and black as soot. The attendants of 
these galleries, for the sake of harmony, 
wore death mask hoods and on their long 
black coats of crepe were paintings of skull 
and cross bones, and of the flames everlast- 
ing that arise from the grates of hell. 

"An ugly little devil, to satisfy a loath- 
some snake, gored a maiden, and held her 
until the reptile had quenched its thirst. 
Here all derived their sustenance through the 
blood of the weak. 

" 'The earth,' said my escort, 'Is a huge 
nut with the usual rough and unkept outer 



[82] 




EVERY ONE WIIvIv RETURN AND 
NOT ONE AI.ONE ' ' 



An Awful Dream 

shell, with the luscious kernel within, which 
grows richer as you near the centre, but 
these are dull times and this mere trivial 
play. If you were passing this way at the 
end of the harvesting, when the division be- 
gins, you would see real life. Each demon 
demands all or nothing. Mutiny and insur- 
rection hold sway. They unchain the hounds 
of hell, and remove the stopper from the 
sink of iniquity, flooding the whole region 
with crime. Luxurious rape, murder and 
carnage abound, and blood flows so freely 
that the old and young come rushing in from 
all parts and remove their shoes and stock- 
ings to wade and splash in the puddles it 
makes, and all will seem so exquisite that 
you will readily pay for it with your soul.' 

"We were now near the busy section of 
the city. Considering the mountains formed 
of dead bodies, charnel house would be a 
more fitting name. While my heart had not 
weakened, the stench that arose so irritated 
my stomach as to cause incessant vomiting. 
I heard shriek after shriek of pain, and the 
most uncanny and sickening laughter. There 



[83] 



An Awful Dream 

was that about this laughter that was fa- 
miliar, but to save me I could not place it. 

"Here misery gloried in its work, as the 
inhabitants wallowed in iniquity- Each one 
to his favorite vice, giving vent to the great 
pleasure derived by their hideous faces be- 
coming more frightful still. 

"The denser the darkness, the better grew 
my sight, which now penetrated my closed 
lids. Amid doleful cries and weird chimes 
I saw infants strangled without the least 
show of pity; one-eyed cyclopic giants snatch 
up children by their heels and after smash- 
ing their brains out against the walls, eat 
bones and all; rough, uncouth and unshaven 
men, wearing muddy, hobnailed boots, drag 
young girls aside by their hair and, in ac- 
complishing their desire, tear them beyond 
repair. The wretched victims pleaded in vain 
for mercy, finding relief only in unconscious- 
ness as they fainted away beneath the rum- 
soaked breath and boar-like caresses of their 
assailants. 

"How I tried to free myself! I had no 
fear, but a mighty desire to make a stand 



[84] 



An Awful Dream 

against them all. With all my strength I 
tried to break away from Shadow, but all in 
vain. I turned my head and at the top of 
my voice begged of God to take away my 
sight. 

"This cannot be real! I must be labor- 
ing under a loathsome fever. 'There is no 
hell — I am dreaming!' I cried, and plowed 
my nails into my flesh to find if I were 
awake. I paid no attention to a big burly 
brute, who called out to his comrades at 
our approach, 'Look, fellows, here comes 
the Shadow with another candidate for 
death.' Yet I could not prevent a cold 
shudder from running over me at the never 
ceasing pleadings of blood for more blood 
like a spoiled infant for its milk. Though 
we had passed through multitudinous strata, 
though we were now covered by mountains 
of granite, still no depth nor covering could 
shut off the agonizing sounds of midnight 
that now came from every quarter. Some- 
times harsh and loud, other times soft and 
faint, a mere whispering, but always gloat- 
ing In my ear, 'Midnight.' 

"A horrible individual called our atten- 



[85] 



An Awful Dream 

tlon to a weird creature wabbling under a 
heavy burden. Pointing his finger at him, 
he said: 'Poaching has been so good of 
late that old faithful, Death, has enlarged 
his game bag.' This so pleased my guide 
that, holding me tighter than ever, he 
stopped and watched Death dump the dead 
from his sack, and even shivered himself as 
he saw Death tread over the bodies in his 
haste to return to his hunting grounds. 

"A sudden commotion in the heap brought 
to an end the feasting of the dogs and vul- 
tures. The bodies began to move and squirm, 
still entangled like a tank of reptiles. 
Finally extricating themselves, they arose 
and encircling old Faithful, began the weird 
dance of the dead. The honored one did 
not seem to cherish the attentions that were 
being showered upon him. On his glutton- 
ous face eagerness gave way to consterna- 
tion, and consternation to fright. His hair 
straightened and stood on end and he broke 
through the lines in flight that took him 
through the main thoroughfares with the 
rejuvenated bodies at his heels, some with 



[86] 



An Awful Dream 

their heads half severed flapping up and 
down as they ran. 

*'Now I was roughly carried to the very 
centre and laid down with my head resting 
on a large block, which reeked with blood. 
The very stalactites above became writhing, 
hissing serpents. Suddenly, above the tu- 
mult, above the hissing, howling and wail- 
ing, a clear, ever-to-be-remembered voice 
of warning cried out, 'Place thy confidence 
In the Lord.' As this voice spoke, everything 
was hushed; not even the hiss of a snake nor 
the ripple of blood could be heard. 

'' 'Too late!' yelled the executioner, as he 
shook his gory locks and raised his axe aloft, 
uttering the same chuckle that I had heard 
before. I knew it belonged to one whom I 
had reckoned among my friends, but to save 
me I could not remember whom. With a 
quick, powerful stroke, my head was severed 
and I at once passed from the ordeal of the 
Shadow to a blaze of glory, and was about 
to feast my eyes on celestial affairs, when I 
awoke in a dripping perspiration. 

"Now, gentlemen, I have told you the 
cause of my depression, and still feel the 



[87] 



An Awful Dream 

same as I did when I was being carried 
downwards, and saw horror after horror, 
and pinched myself to learn if I dreamed. 
I now ask you, ^Am I really awake, or do 
I still dream?' 

''We answered, 'You are surely awake 
now.' 

"But that miserable Shadow answered in 
just as positive a manner as you, and I 
thought I felt the pain of the pinch as I do 
now. I cannot help thinking that misery 
is a short dream before eternal felicity, like 
a disagreeable medicine before the cure, and 
that tomorrow I shall awake and find my- 
self resting in my couch on high, and as I 
rub my eyes shall say, 'I have had a dream 
and in that dream many smaller ones.' " 

I here ventured that he was too bright a 
man to be so worried about a dream. I, 
myself, had experienced an unpleasant dream 
the night we had the late supper, but had 
paid no attention to it. 

At the suggestion of the Count, we 
strolled around for a half hour or so, then 
decided to have our "night-cap" and retire. 



[88] 



An Awful Dream 

since we were to be awakened at seven In 
the morning and disembark at ten. We en- 
tered the smoking room and found it occu- 
pied only by Colonel Rockinghorse, who sat 
sleeping in his chair, snoring, with his mouth 
wide open. 

The Count, Livingston and myself did 
not take our usual seats, but chose a table 
just back of the door. We ordered our 
drinks, and, as we were about to raise them 
to our lips, the Count suddenly discovered 
a speck in Livingston's glass. With his 
usual suave politeness he insisted that Liv- 
ingston change glasses with him. In an- 
other moment the drinks were finished. 

Glancing towards Rockinghorse, I noticed 
the old gentleman had aroused himself, and, 
as he sat with his back to us, he was peering 
intently into a small pocket mirror as if 
admiring his whiskers. I could not refrain 
from a little good-natured raillery at his 
conceit. 

By this time Livingston had braced up 
considerably. The Count, nevertheless, in- 
sisted that we see our friend to his cabin and 



[89] 



An Awful Dream 

help him get ready for bed. He even made 
Livingston promise to bolt his door on the 
inside, and waited outside until he heard the 
bolt slide into place. Even then, he was so 
much afraid that worry might drive our 
friend to something desperate that he paid 
the steward to watch the cabin during the 
night. 



\'X)\ 



CHAPTER IX. 

A Premonition Come True. 

T AROSE early the next morning and, as 
•■■ I was making my way to the bath, I 
heard an unusual commotion on the other 
side of the steamer. I hurried over and 
found the Count, with several stewards, at 
Livingston's cabin, calling his name • and 
pounding on his door. The Count was get- 
ting more and more excited, yelling at the 
top of his voice and expressing a fear that 
something terrible had happened- 

"It is very strange," he said, "he an- 
swered my first knock, now we can get no 
response at all." 

"Get an ax and chop in the door!" sug- 
gested Colonel Rockinghorse. 

"Yes, yes! We must get in there quickly! 
Something has happened to Livingston!" 
wailed the Count. "Here, help me to the 



transom." 



[91] 



A Premonition Come True 

*'That is not necessary," protested the 
Colonel, "we will have the ax in a moment.'* 

He spoke too late. With the aid of sev- 
eral passengers, the Count had already 
mounted to the transom and crawled 
through. There was a thump as he jumped 
to the floor on the inside. Then a shriek of 
horror from within the room told us the 
worst had happened. The Count unbolted 
the door and stumbled out, sobbing hyster- 
ically that our poor friend had taken his 
own life. 

We rushed into the room and discovered 
the ghastly figure lying on the bed. There 
was my friend of yesterday, his throat cut 
so deeply that his head was almost severed 
from his body. My senses reeled at the 
sight. I thought of his dream. So the 
Count was justified in his fears and Livings- 
ton had come to the awful deed which, I 
felt sure, was far from his thoughts when I 
left him the night before. 

**It is brooding over these things that 
drives one to such acts," said the Count. 
"One of us should have remained with him. 



[92] 



A Premonition Come True 

I will never forgive myself." And he broke 
down and wept like a child. 

The Captain had just appeared, and was 
pushing his way through the crowd to the 
bed. 

"Suicide?" he asked with a shudder. 

'T am afraid," muttered the Colonel to 
him, ''that you have more to deal with than 
a mere suicide. And since we are in British 
waters, you'd better summon the coroner." 

There was a rushing to and fro, a ring- 
ing of bells and a blowing of whistles, and 
the whole steamer was in an uproar as, 
simultaneously with the above Incident, the 
ship, which had been slowed up for the 
pilot, came to a standstill at the cry of 
"Man overboard!" A seaman. In lowering 
a ladder, had lost his balance and fallen Into 
the sea, but he was picked up in an uncon- 
scious condition by the crew of the pilot- 
boat and we proceeded on our way minus a 
seaman. 



[93] 



CHAPTER X. 

The Inquest. 

TVTHEN several of the fellow-passengers 
™ of Colonel Rocklnghorse were, 
through his instrumentality, summoned to 
the coroner's inquest as witnesses, they were 
not a little annoyed and expressed the opin- 
ion rather emphatically that the old gentle- 
man was a bit over-industrious. Neverthe- 
less, a number of us who were stopping at 
the same hotel walked to the court with him 
on the morning of the inquest. 

An irrascible Mr. Barton in our party 
was very much put out, for his enforced 
delay caused him to miss a week-end's shoot- 
ing in Scotland. He was rather on the look- 
out for some object upon which to vent his 
wrath, and consequently, when a careless 
young man trod upon his foot, Mr. Barton 
grabbed him by the collar despite his apol- 
ogies. 



*'Oh, you apologize, do you? D< 
think that will relieve the pain you 



Do you 
have 



[94] 



The Inquest 

caused me? Do you think for a moment 
that I shall be content with an apology? 
For fifty years I have been passing through 
thoroughfares as crowded as this, and I've 
never trod on another's toe because I am al- 
ways looking at what I am doing, and, if I 
should be so stupid, I'd be expected to be 
treated thus" — and he planted his foot in 
the seat of the young man's trousers with 
such force that it seemed to pass entirely 
through his body as it lifted him several feet 
in the air. 

We had proceeded only a few steps far- 
ther when we were brought to a halt by the 
following : 

^'Who'll buy my heggs? Freshly lied 
heggs! Guinea heggs, goose heggs. Lords 
and Leidies, by heggs hoff hof me. If you 
don't care to heat heggs, put em in your 
hincubators. Ha guarantee goes with heach 
hegg to 'atch han 'ealthy blumin' duck. 
What's more 'omelike than ha flock of ducks 
in your garden? 'Heven 'is 'ighness loves 
ha blumin' duck" 

"Thank you, mum, teik the word hof 
'onest Habe, you will be back for more." 



[95] 



The Inquest 



UT)1 



Til buy four dozen of your eggs/' spoke 
up Mr. Barton, "but I wish to pick them out 
myself." 

He then had the peddler fold his arms, 
and when he had finished filling them with 
forty-eight eggs, he suddenly began to pour 
upon the fellow a stream of abuse, fully qual- 
ified with a profusion of adjectives that only 
Mr. Barton possessed, calling him a swindler 
and cheat for charging such prices, while the 
surprised and indignant peddler stood help- 
less and unable to move lest he break his 
eggs. Finally, as a parting blow, though in 
the very heart of May fair, he quickly unfast- 
ened the poor fellow's braces, allowing his 
trousers to fall to the ground, and left the 
helpless vender protesting wildly, with the 
tails of his shirt being wafted to and fro by 
the spring zephyrs, amusing the passers-by, 
who laughed gleefully. 

Now our attention was diverted from this 
horseplay to something more serious, for we 
had arrived at the coroner's where an au- 
topsy had already been held over Livings- 
ton's body. We learned that Colonel Rock- 
inghorse had been very anxious that an ex- 

[96] 



The Inquest 

aminatlon be made to ascertain whether or 
not any poison had entered Livingston's 
stomach. 

The autopsy had revealed no trace of 
poison, and the Colonel's theory of murder 
seemed badly shaken. In consequence, the 
case was about to be dismissed when orders 
came from Scotland Yards to Investigate the 
case thoroughly and hold and question all 
witnesses carefully because new evidence had 
just been secured. While these proceedings 
were extraordinary, they were not contrary 
to the laws of England. 

Several witnesses, including Count Hlro- 
saka, the cabin steward and myself, were 
examined, but nothing Important was brought 
to light. Finally, Colonel Rocklnghorse was 
called to the stand. 

"Colonel Rocklnghorse," asked the Cor- 
oner, "when and where did you last see Mr. 
Livingston alive?" 

"On Wednesday evening, July ninth, at 
eleven o'clock." 

"Please describe the circumstances." 

[97] 



The Inquest 

"I was sitting alone in the smoking room 
of the steamer when Mr. Livingston, accom- 
panied by Count Hirosaka and some others, 
entered the room, sat at a table behind me 
and ordered drinks. I became interested 
because I had learned of the many favors 
the Count had extended this same man. 
How he had loaned him his money, and how 
earnestly he had endeavored to stop him 
from gambling, and I had begun to think 
the Count not such a bad one after all. 

"Still, I could not help thinking it strange 
that he should shower these unusual atten- 
tions on one who had been a complete stran- 
ger a few days past. Besides, there were 
other young men who had lost heavily at 
the game and he had shown no inclination to 
extend his benevolency in their direction. 
Recalling that Livingston was in the diplo- 
matic service of England, and having seen 
the Count catering to this set about Wash- 
ington, I said to myself, 'the Oriental has 
some fish to fry, and will bear watching.' 

"In fact, my suspicions were so aroused 
that when the next moment I saw him ex- 
change glasses with Livingston, I attempted 



[98] 



The Inquest 

to warn the young man not to drink, but 
he had finished the glass ere I could speak. 
I was very much worried over the incident 
and when the gentlemen left the room I 
followed them to Livingston's cabin and 
watched them assist him to retire. Sud- 
denly, Hirosaka, unobserved by the others, 
turned to the dresser, hurriedly took some- 
thing from it and slipped it into his pocket. 
They left the room then, the Count insist- 
ing that Livingston bolt his door on the 
inside, and hired a steward to watch out- 
side." 

"Did you go to bed and sleep that night 
as usual?" asked the Coroner. 

"No. I was worried over what Livings- 
ton had drunk. I got up In the middle of 
the night and engaged in conversation with 
the steward who was watching so that I 
might listen to Livingston's breathing. It 
was a little heavier than normal, but did not 
seem serious.'' 

"Have you any reasons for suspecting foul 
play?" queried the Coroner. 

"There was that about the whole affair 

199] 



The Inquest 

that was unusual, and when I see anything 
out of the ordinary I ask myself, 'Why?' 
I was satisfied that something was sure to 
happen. I was the first of all the passen- 
gers to arise the next morning, and went 
direct to the deceased's quarters. While I 
stood there, I saw the barber open up his 
shop and immediately took advantage of 
this and was shaved ahead of the rush. 

"As I was passing from the shop, which 
was just opposite Livingston's cabin, I saw 
Count HIrosaka go up to the door and 
knock. He claims that Livingston an- 
swered. I claim that, though I am a little 
advanced In years, I still am as able to hear 
as the Count or any other living man, and 
when he says he received an answer to his 
knock, he lies. 

"I am satisfied that Livingston was encour- 
aged to gamble until his losses were so enor- 
mous that he did not have the money to 
pay, and that the required amount was 
thrust upon him to humiliate him In the 
belief that if It did not drive him to suicide. 
It would establish a friendship that would 
help shield the perpetrator of a villainous 

[100] 



The Inquest 

plot already laid as a last resort. The vic- 
tim's confidence gained, friendship estab- 
lished and thoroughly advertised, the possi- 
bility of suicide well circulated, all that now 
was needed was a sound sleeping potion and 
to be the first in the cabin. The carrier of 
a dangerous message would be destroyed, 
and no suspicion against anyone but the mur- 
dered." 

^'Colonel Rockinghorse, did you know 
what message the deceased was carrying from 
United States to England?" 

'Tt was a verbal message — one of such 
immense importance, as I have learned since 
arriving in England, that, had he delivered 
it, there would not have been consummated 
the alliance between Great Britain and Japan 
which was signed yesterday morning." 

Just as the Coroner had finished question- 
ing the Colonel, Inspector Cough of Scot- 
land Yards entered, leading a sailor who 
was Immediately put In the witness box. 

"What Is your name?" questioned the Cor- 
oner. 

[101] 



The Inquest 

^'Timothy Flaherty," answered the wit- 
ness. 

"Are you a seaman aboard Her Majesty's 
Steamer ?" 

"Yes, your Honor.'' 

"Then tell us In your own way what you 
saw Thursday morning, the tenth day of 
this month." 

"I was lowering the rope ladder when it 
became caught on the side of the steamer. 
I climbed down to unfasten it and, as I 
passed by the port hole of Cabin A, I saw 
a man jump from the transom, hurry across 
the room, jerk the covers off the occupant of 
the berth and violently draw a razor across 
the throat of the occupant. I screamed in 
my excitement, lost my balance and, striking 
my head against the side of the steamer, fell 
Into the sea." 

The inspector looked directly at the Jap 
and motioned two officers to seize him. The 
Count struggled to his feet, greatly agitated 
and pale as death. He made his decision 
Instantly. With all the power and agility of 

[102] ._ 



The Inquest 

his race he tore himself free from his guards. 
He crossed the room with a bound, forced 
his head through the center rods of the 
office ralHng and drove his body In a back 
somersault over the top, breaking every bone 
in his neck. There he hung, with his eyes 
bulging from their sockets, his purple tongue 
protruding from his mouth and a fixed, 
taunting grin of triumph on his face- We 
turned away from this horrible spectacle, but 
it mocks me to this day. 

"He was a murderer," muttered Colonel 
Rocklnghorse brokenly, "but not an ordinary 
one. What he did he did for the country 
he served. While he is a foul murderer In 
our eyes, in Nippon he will be praised and 
remembered as a martyred hero who lived 
and died for his country. This is the way 
of the world — what one condemns another 
upholds; what one repels another attracts, 
giving the earth its equilibrium as it goes 
whirling through space, but holding human- 
ity in the same old place, as the village 
pump." 

The End. 



[103] 



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